


RIP Clark: You kiss your mother with that mouth?

by sid_pinetree



Category: Batman - All Media Types, Shazam! (2019)
Genre: Barry Allen is confused, Batman is a Dad, Billy gets scolded, Billy is like fourteen, Captain Marvel is baby, Clark has regrets, Crack, Gen, How Do I Tag, and he is grounded, not really - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-06
Updated: 2020-04-06
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:27:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23517664
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sid_pinetree/pseuds/sid_pinetree
Summary: It began on a Tuesday. Clark had been lingering in the common room of the Watchtower reading his article of the day. It took one word to seal his fate....Batman does not approve of Clark teaching Captain Marvel to swear.
Relationships: Billy Batson & Bruce Wayne, Justice League & Bruce Wayne
Comments: 23
Kudos: 704





	RIP Clark: You kiss your mother with that mouth?

It began on a Tuesday. Clark had been lingering in the common room of the Watchtower reading his article of the day. It took one word to seal his fate. He had discovered he had misspelled palooza when he had been writing about the pineapple palooza the Perez family had been holding in Peter Papadoplous Purity Park and it had simply slipped out.

“Fuck.”

The temperature dropped and Clark felt like someone had stuck three hundred and forty-six knives in the area surrounding his heart, or what he assumed that sensation felt like. He was invulnerable after all. His body felt like stone but he forced himself to look up. Behind his paper, a confused Captain Marvel was staring into the distance, lost in thought. Understandable considering Batman had covered his ears. Batman’s face was impassive but he could feel the glare hidden behind the mask’s hollow eyes. He said nothing but Clark could hear the threat. Suddenly there was a puff of smoke and when it cleared the Captain and Batman were gone. 

Clark let out a breath. He hadn’t noticed he had stopped breathing.

A couple of weeks had past and the frosty air that had been growing between them began to dissipate. Unfortunately, the next league meeting had ruined that. There had been a lull in conversation when Captain Marvel had received a text. The man peeked at it for a moment before the message registered and horror enveloped his face. He looked at again, rereading it before he said the word that damned Clark.

“Fuck!”

The table froze. Batman stood up very slowly and turned his head towards Clark. At that moment Clark had complete faith that the devil was real and he had manifested in this meeting to drag Clark to hell for any and every vile sin he had ever committed.

Clark was invincible. Batman was in his regular suit. He had no kryptonite. And yet when the Bat struck Superman the league could only stare captived as a single punch decimated the man of steel. Batman’s face had not even changed. Not a hint of anger or satisfaction. Barry felt like he had just pissed his pants. And then Batman began making his way over to Captain Marvel. Marvel, the poor idiot, just asked the Bat why he had punched Superman. Rest in Peace, dear Captain.

Batman did not deck the Captain. Instead, he knelt before the man and raised his index finger.

“No,” he said strictly. “What would your mother say if she heard you speak this way?”

Captain Marvel blushed. “Mijo, you can’t use that kind of language. You have to set an example for your younger siblings,” Marvel whispered, clearly echoing someone else. 

“Exactly,” Batman smiled and Barry wanted to cry. “As superheroes, we must set a good example for everyone.”

What was happening? Was Batman really giving Captain Marvel a lecture? A dad lecture? The world was falling apart. Maybe Batman had actually punched Barry and he was lying unconscious on the floor. But it got weirder. Batman then asked Marvel about the text and the secretive Champion actually answered.

“Mama Rosa found out that the channel that uploads the training videos for Captain Marvel is my brother’s and she thinks we were putting ourselves in danger. Which would be fine except my little sister let my identity slip so I’m so grounded,” Marvel confessed.

Batman pinched his nose and said he would talk to Marvel’s parents. What? Just what the fresh hell was even happening. The various types of time travel that could occur were more cohesive and understandable than anything that was happening right now. Captain Marvel, a grown-ass adult was apparently grounded. Batman had given the man a dad lecture. Superman was unconscious on the floor somehow. Barry wanted to go back to his lab where things made sense.  _ But noooooooooo! _ This meeting was scheduled to continue for another  _ hour _ .

**Author's Note:**

> (12/6/20) I finished coloring the comic that I made before I wrote this fic so I thought I should add it.  
> https://sidpinetree.tumblr.com/post/636789891546611712/the-comic-i-made-that-inspired-rip-clark-you-kiss  
> Thank you for all your wonderful comments!


End file.
